Books.

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There are very few things that surpass the smell of books. The fragrance of father’s freshly shaved cheeks, the smell of a baby’s hair, the whiff of mom’s biryani, across the hall…

How often do we encounter with the most wonderful fragrance of a fresh new book now ? I have forgotten it so much so that, the whiff I associate with books is one of the old second hand buys I get for cheaper prices in corner shops. Gone are my days of getting excited of new academic year, new set of text books and note books.. And more importantly, the brown paper cover for each of them.

You remember that ? I know, you remember that. How could we not. Its the most prim and proper thing that gives the books, their perfect ‘owned-by-an-Indian-student’ look.

They say don’t judge the book by its cover. My father used to say, a clean cover of book shows how much you respect the books and how much you are grateful for your education. He would say, you are privileged to get new set of texts and notes every year and blessed for being able to go to school everyday with a lunchbox full of fresh food.

I used to study, sitting on bed. I did have a desk and a chair and a lamp in my well-lit room. But I preferred bed. One day, whilst wrapping my books with brown paper, my father told me how he made a table and a chair for himself from some wood he found outside in the yard. He was fourteen or fifteen then. He said, it was a very happy day for him, for he got a set of furniture from then on to sit and study in, instead of the usual floor in his little home. It was from that day on, that I started using my own desk. I was also fourteen then.

That day, I asked him discreetly,

” Was it difficult without much money around at house? ”

” No, not at all. Because then you learn to appreciate things that you can do without it. You learn that money is always a secondary thing. You learn to approach life from its very organic and fundamental sides.”

” Did you have toys and stuffs to play with when you were younger? “
” I had better. I had sand and trees and ponds and sea nearby.”
” Would you go back to that life if you could?”

” I would, but then I would miss sharing all these with you, my children, don’t I?”

I smiled.

I am still smiling.

” Always remember that, privileged are those who have a good life. But the biggest privilege is… to realise that your life is already good.”

P. S. :- This is a real life episode. I will forever play it again and again with a smile in my heart.

Dedicating to my dearest Roonatha (Roona Hafiz), who told me to write about the brown cover while we were talking about our childhood days. Wouldn’t have written this, if not for you Roonatha 🙂

Rice.

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Although he was not weak looking, he would hunch while he walked or sat somewhere. Or maybe he hunched only when sitting on the pavement. I wouldn’t know because, of all the times I had seen him, he was never on a chair or a bench as he was not supposed to sit on any of those things, except the bare sand or pavements or the thresholds.

But I do not think he ever did mind sitting at any of these spots, because why would he possibly. My childhood loved each of the three very much.

Sand was always one of my favorite things to play with, sit on, lie above, pasted all over… The way sand could run in between my little fingers and fall back to earth; the way it pierced through my bare toes and reach up to soil my feet so beautifully; the way it tasted like unsweetened crunchy sugar crystals; and the way I could create a rain when I would threw a handful of it up above towards the sunny sky and stand under it when it caught all over my hair. I can go on and on about the simple versatility of an awesome toy called sand.

Next being the pavement at our yard; stretched so long, slightly longer than my mother’s beautiful sarees infact, in its transient glory, as my very own running track. The straight alley started right from the doorstep at the back of our house, up until towards the big washing stone in the shape of a cube with its top slightly slanted. The boulder was guarded by a giant open well. It had the shape of a monster’s round scary mouth, ready to engulf me. Maybe because it was always hungry as its deep dark groaning stomach was filled with only half full of water and plants and fishes. But for me, that scary grumble would excite my guts enough to make me rescue myself from the monstrous well, by running as fast I could till my little tummy hurt. Off I would reach towards our house’s door leading to kitchen where mother would be, whom I knew would always protect me from anything and everything under the sun, with all her power of unconditional love.

Sometimes when I got bored of playing with the giant, I would gallop along the pavement, back and forth screaming ‘P. T. Ushaaa’ at the top of my voice, in my utmost enthusiasm. The scream gave me an extra push to my heels and a stronger beat to my young heart. My iron rocking chair would be on the middle of my path, which was a bit of an obstacle when I ran, but was of course not enough to tame me down. And I didn’t want to move it too, nor could I move it anywhere, because it wouldn’t rock on sand. Neither could it be placed inside the house as it would make scratches on my mother’s spotless mosaic floors.

And then there is the humble threshold, where I loved to sit after my fore day bath, wearing a fresh frilly frock. Whilst I would breathe in and devour the crisp morning air that brushed through the paddy fields across our neighborhood with all my zest for bittersweet life, mother would offer me my favorite fresh ripe tomatoes. I was always happy to sit on its warm welcoming lap. I could almost feel an invisible hug encircling me with its warm open doors, making me ever so homely.
——————-

So why would he he ever mind sitting at any of these three spots, my innocent past might very well ask. In terms of seating provision, a five year old child and an old man had same choices, though the former chose it very happily, and the latter might have chosen it… well, without any other choice. And therefore, contrary to my then apprehension, nor we, neither our seats, were ever equal but always torn apart by thousands of miles, from each other…
———————

Mother would always give him a coin or two and a bowl of rice gruel with pickle on the side. Over the years, I have seen many like him, but his is one of the faces, that I remember quite well. Just like the ever deepening wrinkles imprinted on his skin, his face has a permanent mark in the depth of my mind. Not because he was my fun loving playmate; nor was he a loving old relative who would offer me lemon candies. But because he always used to make a spoon to eat the gruel with. A spoon made by folding a fresh but slightly ripe, yellowish green jackfruit leaf and then securing it with the leaf’s stem. He would fold it quite easily, though it seemed very complicated to me, and he would start eating the food with much love and gratitude.

Whenever I would see him coming to our house, I would stop playing, and start staring at him, as I knew he would start making the unusual spoon sooner and then eat using it. The way he would apply the red pickle on his tongue and slurp slowly and tastefully each and every drop of rice; It intrigued me to the core. I was so curious to watch his eating etiquette always. But he was passive on my lack of civility; anyone but him might have felt that I was impolite to stare at them and their food. He was patient with the five year old me, he
gave me time to become ladylike in my own pace. And with all my gratefulness to him for accepting me as I was, I gave him back my attention with awe and admiration to his manners, especially when he could do all of it without anything grand banquet around, and I couldn’t be anywhere near to his sheer elegance.
——————

I never liked the taste of rice gruel myself. Our mother would give it to us, if we were feverish or ill. I never enjoyed it. For me, it was bland and tasteless. Just like a day down with fever, no outdoor games and no play in water during bath, as bath would be strictly nil that day. But our old man loved each pearl of rice and each drop of water and each tiny grain of salt floating in it. My innocence was convinced that its the spoon that makes it tasteful. Its a magic spoon. My mother couldn’t succeed in teaching me how to make it though, poor patient her, she tried a lot. My little fingers, my less flexible hands, my growing brain… All I learned was to fold the leaf in to a half, or tear it whilst folding.

But then again, I was busy with my life. I had dolls to whom I was mother to, chocolates in fridge to eat, sometimes my brothers’ sugary homeo medicines to steal, keep scores of their cricket on my slate like a fair responsible umpire… And the most important of all, I was untiringly busy growing up and gaining strength to play and equally fight with my beloved siblings till no end.
———————-

For years, whenever our mother would come with gruel, I did wish though, again and again, that I could make it tasty and flavorful with the magic touch of a jackfruit leaf. I never succeeded in that. I was never been able to become genteel and graceful like the old patron… But my mind do still succeed in reminiscing him often without fail.

Many a time, when I see the forehead of a shy bride, beautifully clad in saffron colored vermilion,my eyes recapture the fresh picture of the old man’s dry tongue with a stripe of bright red pickle. I now know, his untouched palate had more chastity than any newly wed; And that, his barren throat was more pristine than any blessed consummation.

When I grew up, I gradually started to understand, I hope I did, a bit deeper than the surface about many things. I learned that I had to look thoroughly through the gruel to see that, most of the rice was buried into the depths with the translucent water floating above. If I didn’t look, it was just a plain old foggy veil without any pearls of wisdom waiting underneath to be discovered. I also painfully and hence ruthlessly stomached that, while fasting is not eating by choice, starvation is sadly, not eating out of choice.

Through those inevitable chapters of life and the lessons it taught me, I did finally manage to find out the secret magic delicacy I was searching, from the age of five; the trick that I thought, lied on the creased leaf, waiting for me to unfold it.

It was pure hunger.

But by the time I realised that…

I knew I had lost my appetite for it.

P. S. :- I would love to dedicate this, to our mother who has told us many many wonderful stories, and taught us the moral of each one of them. And above all, for giving us a good life that is worth telling.

Afterword: All the incidents described in the above story is real. The chronological order may vary slightly, nevertheless it effectively holds the authenticity of the chain of events and my thought processes that happened along with them.

Days.

Close up of couple holding hands on coastline.

I don’t celebrate or give importance to any kind of anniversaries. In fact I have never in my life. Religious apprehension, though a prime one, is not entirely the reason for it. As witheringly unimaginative as it may sound, I prefer to believe that all days are special and that each day belongs to each and everyone of us. One day for me, one day for you, another day for us, yet another day for my mother… Any named day is merely a coincidence, ain’t it …? Or so have my naive mind gathered.

Maybe along the road, I might regret these chronological milestones as they eventually disappear, when life pays its dues on time. Yet I fear, a sure acceptance in that line shall bring forth an abrupt closure to any further afterthought… They say, each year, we are nearing our death point. One’s birthday, for instance, is going to end one day, and turn into a sad recollection of the opposite sort. If that’s so, is one moving forward and at the same time, also nearing one’s own end? Am I tipping towards the darker side of reality now? Am I simply turning skeptical and unappreciative?

Or perhaps cynicism is still a good thing. With not being punctual about certain dates, I assume, I also am not obliging myself to sorrow and mourning, on days that remind me of a loved one’s eternal absence. Except the obvious that, I have only the confined capacity to perceive anything and maybe essentially everything, through the tiny realm of my very limited outreach. Well, end of the day, I may never know… More importantly, I may never need to know.

Nevertheless, for all that is worth, I do wish one thing. That, everyday I shall love life as I know it, with all the amen there is. For, with all its gloomiest and brightest days, life itself is a very beautiful thing to reminisce on, look forward about and hold on to.

My love,

Please know that, I am eternally grateful for the priceless gift you gave me; Your ever endearing heart. I pray that, we can and will celebrate together, all the goodness and simplicities of life, each and every day, and forevermore.

End.

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And in the End,

our intentions, our behavior and attitude towards other humans, animals, mother Earth. Our diligence towards the time and situations that are being bestowed upon us through the most versatile thing called ‘Life’. The goodness we choose to inherit from our ancestors and the legacy of virtues we can pass to our children. The way we deal with our true conscience and the way we process our innermost thoughts before it proceeds to our deeds..

The paths we follow to reach our better selves till the end..

The values we carry along with us till the end..

The lessons we leave behind for our fellow mortals till the end..

These are a few among the many many things that shall be accountable to and considered as the different facets of the way of life, we choose to live. For true religion, whatever it is named as, has infinite dimensions; For His boundless benevolence and supreme knowledge is Omnipresent.

Love.

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We all search for that special someone through a good part of our lives

Someone who can bring smile in a whim
Someone who offers shoulder whenever wished for
Someone who wipes all the sorrows, even through silence

Someone who is the happiest for bringing the best within
Someone who soothes with care and calms with patience

Someone who listens, even at the oddest hours of night
Someone who let morning in to help wake up at the rising dawn

Someone who loves unconditionally, no matter what.

This quest is one of our life’s most beautiful dreams;
And the answer to the search being one of our biggest blessings

But the thing is, we seldom realize that
we already have that special someone in our lives;
Much before we had started the search

For, He has always been The One.
For, He has always loved and shall love always.

For, He… is Him.

P.S : Hope the readers would have taken note of the capital H in the words ‘He’ and ‘Him’ and shall therefore would have understood who was I referring to. Need a better clue..? He is my God. Our God. 🙂 I always wanted to write something which had the title ‘Love’. But as much easy it is to say the word in everyday life, it felt very hard actually to put it in words with an entity in mind to write about. Well, of course, up until now. Because who is a better entity than Him… 🙂

Sin.

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Her gaze… i can’t take my mind out of it… She was staring as if I did some cardinal sin.. And I was already not feeling good of my deed. On top of that, her judgmental eyes? What should I’ve done? Knew not… So I just looked back at her with a deadpan face. I sensed she was just jealous of me coz of my freedom to do what I want and her lack of it. 

It wasn’t my fault that her life was limited, was it? Maybe if she had the guts to scream to the world and grab her right…? …If I could, I might have offered her what I had, But it was not the right thing to do, as I had no right to make her fall into temptation, like I fell into. It would only make me feel guilty again… If it was not good for me, then how can I ever think that it can be good for her? So I juz sat there with self-remorse, thinking of her.

Still………. I now at least wish I could scream at her and get it out of my system that could have helped me feel less guilty. I wish I told her the first thing that came to my mind then; “For God’s sake, stop staring at my cone and ask your parents to buy you, if you want one!!”
 – A brief encounter with a lil girl, while having ice cream cone sitting on the street bench. 😛

Bliss.

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Can we ever imagine,
A better color for sky…?
A better taste for water…?
A better shape for moon…?
A better sound for birds…?
A better touch for grass…?
A better smell for rain…?
A better mother for love…?

Then why would we ever imagine,
That life is less perfect..
When we can clearly see,
He has blessed us all along.

Goddamn!!

Don't try this one: Professor Peter Higgs with a description of the Higgs model.

 

July 5th 2012.

Yesterday, whilst in kitchen, I could hear news on TV on particle physics and I could hear ‘God particle’ being said repeatedly. Came to living room, though it couldn’t be understood fully then, I got very much intrigued. Today, my curiosity got the better of me and before I knew, I was searching all over the net frantically, what this goddamn news is all about.

And now I’m satisfied to an extent, because I feel like I figured out something about the universe! 🙂 just joking.. 😉

Here is what I learnt so far.

Please mind my language today, I haven’t edited much literature wise. Nevertheless, I haven’t made any grave spelling or grammar mistakes, so hope it all makes sense.

Also I wish to edit this whole rather un-professional article and make it more presentable for my own sake.. hope I won’t get lazy later though.

So..

I’ll try my best to break the whole thing down.. First of all I’ve only studied quantum mechanics and particle physics till 12th, I just read these stuffs because I like them.. So, please do not take my words as from a professional point of view. Nevertheless, I read from reliable places, so I hope I’m not wrongly informed… God knows best.

First things first.

Personally, I think I should foremost say about the origin of the name Boson.

Hence going to basics of physics first:

An atom is basically made up of nucleus and electron running around it.

Nucleus contains protons and neutrons.

There are two types of subatomic particles: Elementary particles(electron) and Composite particles(proton, neutron).

There are mainly two kinds of elementary particles: Fermions and Bosons.

Boson is named after Satyendra Nath Bose, an Indian physicist (1894-1974) who had worked with Albert Einstein, Mary Curie and the likes. He is best known for his work on quantum mechanics in the early 1920s, providing the foundation for Bose–Einstein statistics and the theory of the Bose–Einstein condensate.

Now how about the name Higgs boson?

The fairy tale goes like this:

In 1962, A Nobel laureate physicist Phlips.W.Anderson proposed the Anderson-Higgs Mechanism (now popularly called as Higgs mechanism) which is basically a mechanism that gives mass to elementary particles. But the proposal did not work out an explicit relativistic model until Peter Higgs and some more other physicists developed the relativistic model in 1964. Why is the mass of elementary particles important? Because they are the fundamental objects of quantum field theory. Again why they are so fundamental? Because they’ve no measurable internal structure; which means they’re not composed of other particles (or humans don’t know yet more.)

Peter Higgs, came up with a theory called the Standard Model, for how the universe works. Standard Model theory is the so-far successful theory that explains how fundamental particles interact with the elementary forces of nature. However, the theory was somewhat incomplete: it could not explain how particles in the universe gain their mass.

Higgs’s idea was that the universe is bathed in an invisible field (like a magnetic field). Every particle feels this field—now known as the Higgs field—but to varying degrees.

If a particle can move through this field with little or no interaction, there will be no friction kinda effect, and so, that particle will have little or no mass. If a particle interacts significantly with the Higgs field, so obviously, it will have a higher mass.

The idea of this Higgs field requires the acceptance of a related particle: the Higgs boson.

The Higgs boson is one of the final puzzle pieces required for a complete understanding of the standard model of physics.

Why? Because..

According to the standard model, if the Higgs field didn’t exist, we wouldn’t have our orderly world, where matter is made of atoms, and electrons form chemical bonds. Something gotta hold them together, right? That is Higgs boson. In a Higgsless universe, everything would behave as light does, floating freely and not combining with anything else. In other words: no galaxies, no stars, no planets, no life on Earth.

Why is it such a big deal to prove its existence?

Coz despite the Higgs boson providing a neat explanation in theory, proving its existence has been very difficult. The big giant mean machine called Large Hadron Collider (LHC) at CERN, Switzerland, has been searching for it but couldn’t find it until now, reason being the undetectable mass range of the Higgs Boson particle.

Finally,

‘God Particle’?? U gotta be kidding me.. 😀

A nobel prize winner physicist Leon Lederman published a book in 1993 called ‘The God Particle: If Universe is the Answer, What is the Question?’. Lederman originally called it Goddamn Particle (bcoz its mystery would be tiring the scientists all over, come on you little particle, show ur face! lol..). But Lederman’s publisher didn’t agree to the word ‘goddamn’ coz of its negativity. And thus it became ‘God particle’; which I don’t agree is the same thing literature wise.. Anyways…

hope i shed some sense.. phew.. tired.. !

maybe write later in more details if needed, i guess.. (i can smell laziness smoking in though)

Till then, may God bless us 🙂

Acknowledgement:  About my humble knowledge in Physics, I have to thank three teachers, one is my cousin sister, Hafsa Faisal, who taught me the basics of Physics in the easiest manner. Other is my Ponnamma teacher, who made physics really a fun subject. Third is my most beloved Subadhra teacher, she taught me how to learn and admire the smallest lessons of life. She is someone who is equal to my mother for me… 🙂 I pray from the bottom of my heart, may God bless them all…

Disclaimer : This write-up is subject to editing by myself, if I came to know better information and/or knowledge on the topic. Thanks for reading.

References: wiki, BBC, Nat Geo and random websites. (sorry, cant remember all… sincere regrets.)

P.S. : Fast forward to 2016, I’m still lazy to edit this ! Apologize for the unkept words.

Pure.

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Wish i could ward off all the evil from you.. Wish i could protect you from everything.. Wish you never saw the dark world like i did… My lil baby… I wish.. more and more.. I dream for a perfect world juz for you.. I build a better life for you.. Atleast I promise, I will try my best. I will push my boundaries, I will break my own heart, but I wont let u hurt yourself…. Coz you are my part.. My beautiful part.   

P.S : wrote this straight from heart. No editing done coz i dont feel like editing my heart’s words.. 🙂

Promises.

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My head cannot stoop any lower.

Her eyes…
I cannot face the tears rolling down all over..
How could I do this to her..
Breaking her heart.. over and over again..

The love of my life..
The one person I truly care,
more than anything in the world..

How could I be this unfaithful to her?
When did I become this ruthless hypocrite,
who made her believe that she can trust me?
Didn’t I see her pure devotion?

———–

My broken promises…
My broken words..
Her broken heart.

———-

And now I stand before her…
With nothing but shame and guilt;
Not even having the courage to look into her eyes…
And ask for forgiveness…

———–

For one last time, I wish I could fight for her..

———–

I do want to fight for her!
I want to have one more chance
to prove that I won’t let her down again.
How I wish she trusted me once more..
Once and for all…

There she is waiting for my glance…
Maybe its time to stop thinking
And do something about it..

———–

I picked up the weakest shame and the tiniest courage left
And looked at her straight into eyes..

My breaths had fogged her image..

I wiped her tears.
I wiped my reflection.

And there I see…
Me.

———–

I’m sorry.

———–